Relationship Remix - 3 C's That Sabotage Relationships

Wednesday, November 19th

Remember the Proverbs that we slammed through. What was the issue with many of those Proverbs, character; angry, hot-tempered, perverse, evil, greedy, you may not see yourself in those ways when it comes to conflict. But the intention is still there, conflict is an opportunity to grow in character. What does that mean? See the person, not just the issue. Which includes you. See the person not just the issue. Hold that thought for a moment. Let’s look at the classic story that is filled with tension and conflict, the woman caught in adultery.

John 8:2-11- 2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

The religious are hitting Jesus head on. This woman obviously broke the rules of the law. Jesus is trapped. If he sides with the law, she will be stoned right on the spot. If Jesus sides with the woman, he obviously is a blasphemer and is against God and the law. The religious leaders, in their pride, absolutely believe they will win this argument, this conflict. But what does Jesus do?

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

Yes, Jesus stoops, he gives space (this in itself should be a new practice for some of you). Jesus allows the tension to build and ask the ultimate question, especially in a conflict situation. “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.”

Jesus is saying, before you want to chastise the other person, or stand on how right you are or drive home your point. Look at ourself first. What do you see within you? What’s causing the “sin” in your? What is going on inside of you? Where is your pride? OR insecurity? Or fear? See yourself first.

As Jesus set the tone, an invitation to observe self first. He draws his attention to the woman. The only one who has never sinned, is in the place to cast the first stone. But he doesn’t.
10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus sees the woman, he sees her fragile heart. Does Jesus ignore the law? No, but he doesn’t tend to it in the way the Jewish leaders wanted, he’s giving this woman an invitation to grow as well, to change, to repent and grow in character.

When we are in the midst of conflict, can we pause enough to see the other person, not just the issue. Can we pause enough to ask ourselves, what’s brewing in me? What’s going on with where I am? Am I in my flesh or Spirit?

Doesn’t matter what side of the conflict continuum you are on, and avoider or a controller of conflict from want to flee to wanting fight… Do I see in myself pride, control, demanding to be right? Do I see insecurity, fear, being a push-over? Each are opportunities to grow in character.
Much of what we’ve been talking about over the past few weeks can be applied to our conflict transformation. Can I name what’s in me, confess it, and do the work with God and others to repent? God I need to grow in humility, grow in being confident in who you’ve created me to be.

The flip is true as well, see the other person, not the issue. What do you see with the other person, beyond the issue? Anger (why is there so much?), pride (is it they have to be right or is it a false pride and more about insecurity), embarrassment, they thought they knew what they were doing, but now it’s obvious they don’t. Do you see their fragile heart or fearful heart or their controlling heart and why do they need control? This is where you can use the mirror. (go back to loving a fool message two weeks ago.)