Relationship Remix - 3 C's That Sabotage Relationships

Monday, November 17th

Yes, we are still in our series, Relationship Remix, we spoke on trust, then forgiveness, now we are going to do a 3-week mini-series. The 3 C’s that sabotage our relationships. The first “C” is unhealthy conflict. And the oxymoron that I want you to sit in today and invite you to see a new definition is healthy conflict.

For many of you, those are contrasting terms, healthy and conflict contradict each other, hence healthy conflict is an oxymoron. Maybe you don’t go that far, but at a minimum the majority of you want to avoid conflict, why would you want to avoid it, unless it was unhealthy in your mind.

But I would argue, as hard as it may appear, I believe conflict is an opportunity to grow. More on that in a second. Because many of you don’t believe conflict is an opportunity to grow because of all the ways you have experienced or handled conflict in the past.

Let me share with you some descriptions of unhealthy conflict or at least unhealthy responses to conflict. Conflict can feel like, “me vs. them” win/lose, which means that we can have a tendency to avoid, run away, hide, ignore, or maybe even roll over simply to not cause an issue. Whereas others, depending on the situation, when conflict arises you see it as an opportunity to take control, assert your rights, intimidate to get what you want, take on all responsibility, fix it no matter the cost, or maybe even sit in the blame game and take no responsibility.

I don’t know if any of you resonate with either of those sides of conflict. But some of the images that come to mind when I think about conflict are the classic Big Horn Sheep, battling it out until one comes out on top. Or maybe conflict looks like you running and hiding, avoiding a situation, hoping that enough time will go by they won’t “find you”, hoping it will be better when you come out from hiding. Or the classic stalemate or staring contest, don’t be the first to blink. Or maybe it is a tug of war, you can get some traction, but then they pull back or get more people on their side. Or maybe when it comes to conflict it feels like there is a giant wall and neither can see or hear the other person.

If any of those descriptors or images are accurate to how you see conflict, reminder, unhealthy conflict, no wonder you don’t see it as an opportunity to grow. You see it as something to avoid at all costs or at least brush up on your deflecting skills and try to keep your bitterness and resentment low, especially if you are on a losing streak of conflict.

Don’t take my word for it though, God gives us some pretty startling pictures of living in unhealthy conflict. I’m just going to show you these bullet point Proverbs.

Proverbs 6:14- who plots evil with deceit in his heart - he always stirs up conflict.

Proverbs 10:12- Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.

Proverbs 15:18- A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

Proverbs 16:28- A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.
Proverbs 28:25- The greedy stir up conflict, but those who trust in the Lord will prosper.
Proverbs 29:22- An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.

Finally, look at what King Solomon says in Proverbs 6:16-19- 16 There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood,18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil,19 a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

It’s one of the things that is detestable to God, unhealthy conflict. I’m saying it that way because conflict is inevitable. The whole of scripture is a master class in conflict. Like it or not, from the third page of Scripture we have been in conflict with God and one another. Satan loves unhealthy conflict because it’s about differences, disagreements, division in us and with the other person.

Because conflict is inevitable and unhealthy conflict can sabotage our relationships. How is God inviting us to see conflict differently and tend to it in healthy ways?

Today, I want you to sit with how you see conflict, what are your responses? How is God inviting you to see something differently?

Also encourage you to sit with this song- Fear is a Liar